My Miscarriage and Life After

Today’s post is very personal – and lengthy. It took me a long time to work up the courage to share. If you’ve been following me for a while, then you likely know that I had a miscarriage at the end of June. In this post, I want to share the full story of what happened, how I’ve been feeling, and what life is like after experiencing a miscarriage.

The Back Story

To start out, I’ll give you a little history of our story before getting pregnant. Nick and I have been married for 4 years and we never felt quite ready for kids until this year. We talked a lot about when we wanted to start trying for a baby and decided that the beginning of this year was the time. To be very honest, we really enjoyed our life just the two of us. Sometimes I feel selfish saying that, but we both liked to be able to go out and do whatever we wanted, when we wanted.

However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt more prepared to be a mom and start a family. When we decided I would stop taking birth control at the beginning of this year, I was ready. We did genetic testing before I got pregnant to see if I was a carrier of any genetic diseases. They tested for over 250 things and I was not any a carrier of any of them (phew!).

I then went off the pill in the beginning of February and got pregnant in March. I know, that’s totally not the norm and we were shocked it happened that fast! We definitely thought it would take around 3-6 months to conceive. We had a trip to Paris planned for May and thought it would be our last hoorah before I got pregnant. Well thanks to COVID, that trip was canceled. Even if it weren’t canceled, it would have been an amazing way to celebrate being pregnant.

Being Pregnant

We found out I was pregnant in April while we were quarantining in Florida at my dad’s house. I took two pregnancy tests, and both came back positive. After that, I made a doctor’s appointment to make sure the tests were correct.

My first appointment was quick and easy. I did a vaginal ultrasound and got to see a tiny baby moving around and listen to the heartbeat. Sadly, due to COVID, Nick was not able to come to any of my appointments with me, but I did FaceTime him at the first appointment so that we could see the baby together. It was crazy and cool and emotional – all in a good way!

After that, my pregnancy carried on like normal and I felt pretty good. My only symptom was fatigue, so I felt pretty lucky! We did another round of genetic testing while pregnant to test for down syndrome and other abnormalities. Every test came back perfect with zero indication that there was anything wrong with the baby.

Gender Reveal

Fast forward a couple of months to June. With the genetic testing, they are also able to find out the gender of the baby. We opted for this and planned a gender reveal party to find out what we were having in front of family and a few close friends.

Our gender reveal party was Saturday, June 27^th and I was 15 weeks pregnant. We did a “Taco ‘Bout a Baby” fiesta theme and it was perfect. We found out we were having a girl!! We were so shocked. I was convinced we were having a boy – likely because we have 6 nieces and currently no boys in the family so I for sure thought we would have the first boy and break the trend.

It honestly was a perfect day. Nick and I were so happy. Finding out that we were having a girl made things so much more real.

What’s crazy is the afternoon of our gender reveal, there was a double rainbow in the sky. I know that some people don’t believe in signs, but I do. I lost my mom 3 years ago and was sure that the rainbow was a sign that she was there looking down on me. I later realized that the two rainbows must have meant that my mom was looking down on me with my baby, telling me she had her and that it was going to be ok.

The Week After Our Gender Reveal

The following week, I had my 16-week, routine doctor’s appointment. Again, Nick could not go with me, so I went alone.

At that appointment, we were supposed to check for the baby’s heartbeat but not perform an ultrasound. The nurse had a device that is used on the stomach to listen for a heartbeat. After some trouble finding a heartbeat, she called the doctor in to try. The doctor struggled with finding one as well, so they decided an ultrasound would be best. They were reassuring me that this happens sometimes but to be sure, we should do an ultrasound.

During that time, I was trying not to freak out. My previous ultrasound was fine, but they had some trouble getting good pictures of the baby because of her position. So, I assumed it had something to do with that again.

“We Can’t Find a Heartbeat”

Once we started the ultrasound, I lost my calmness. I could tell something was wrong. After a few minutes of poking and prodding, the doctor said they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I just remember laying on that hospital bed, all alone besides 2 nurses and a doctor I barely knew. I was shaking and crying so hard.

How could this happen 16 weeks into my pregnancy? Why does this happen when we’ve had every test come back perfect? My doctor told me I was a “boring” pregnancy at my last appointment because everything was looking so good. And now there’s not a heartbeat?

They led me to another room to sit down and take off my mask so that I could breathe. I called Nick and he didn’t answer – he was on a call for work. I texted him and said that I really needed him to call me. He did immediately and knew something was wrong. I could barely speak when he answered and then he knew for sure.

Learning About My Miscarriage

After that, I learned that our baby stopped growing at about 15 weeks. We had already lost her when we had the gender reveal party. Imagine how silly I felt – throwing this party to celebrate a life that I had already lost.

While at the hospital, I had several conversations about next steps and what to expect. One minute I was pregnant and the next I’m speaking with a nurse about the D&E we needed to schedule to remove the baby from my body.

I’m pretty sure I cried the entire time I sat there talking to her about what was going to happen. My appointment was on the Thursday before 4^th of July weekend so, unfortunately for me, offices were closed the following day and all weekend. I couldn’t get in for an appointment until the following Monday and Tuesday.

My Procedures

On that Monday, I went in for the first step in my procedure. Since I had a second trimester miscarriage, I had to get a D&E instead of a D&C. D&C’s happen for first trimester miscarriages and are much less invasive. With a D&E, I had two separate appointments. The first appointment was to insert laminaria into my cervix. The laminaria absorb liquid in the body and caused my cervix to expand.

What I wasn’t told was how excruciatingly painful this would be. I had no clue what the next 24 hours would be like. I was given one Ibuprofen before the insertion of the laminaria. Immediately after the procedure was finished, I almost threw up from the pain. I couldn’t leave the room for 45 minutes because I felt so terrible. What’s even worse is that, again, I was alone (Nick wasn’t allowed to come) and the nurse left me there and never checked back in. I eventually walked out without one person saying a word to me.

The next 24 hours were probably some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I couldn’t eat or drink anything. I laid on the couch in a ball holding my stomach. I was prescribed pain medicine that I could take every few hours, but it barely helped. I later found out from others that I was basically experiencing labor pains and contractions as my cervix expanded.

The next day, I went in for the removal of the baby. While that was emotional, it wasn’t nearly as painful as the day before. I was asleep for the procedure and don’t remember anything about it. Physically, I felt so much better after I woke up.

Life After a Miscarriage

Immediately after my miscarriage, I felt so many things. I was sad, emotional, scared, embarrassed, angry. I also felt guilty – and honestly, to this day I still do. I think back on my pregnancy and wonder if I did something wrong. I remember that I had a deli sandwich early in my pregnancy or that I drank alcohol before I knew I was pregnant. Could any of those things cause this? I also wonder if something happened to my body during my procedures that could prevent me from getting pregnant again.

We did more testing after my miscarriage and, to this day, we still don’t know what could have caused it. There were no signs that anything was wrong or that the baby wasn’t healthy. All of my bloodwork came back totally normal.

It’s a crazy rollercoaster of emotions after experiencing a miscarriage. I’ve been in a dark place quite a few times and I’m pretty positive that 2020 has been my most emotional year (what an achievement lol). At times I find myself only focusing on the negative and asking, why do all of these bad things happen to me? I think about life changing events that may never happen to anyone, but all happened to me – losing my job the day after I got married, losing my mom before I turned 30, and now losing my first baby 15 weeks into my pregnancy. It’s not fair and I still have a hard time getting over that.

What has helped me begin to heal these thoughts and feelings is: time, having Nick here to talk to about everything, speaking openly about my experience, and having a supportive community of women who have experienced something similar. Even though it’s been 6 months since my miscarriage, I can’t help but still have these thoughts occasionally.

Trying to Get Pregnant Again

Now we face a new battle as we try to get pregnant again. What came so easily the first time doesn’t seem to be the case this time around. I was given the clear to start trying again once I got my first period, and that happened almost exactly a month after my procedure. Although 5 months may not seem like long to try, it feels long when you already had that, and it was taken away from you. I feel like this year was thrown away and we are starting from scratch. Now that it’s my due date, I still have those feelings of life not being fair. Why does everyone else get pregnant and have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and I don’t? Trust me, I know that’s not the case for everyone, but I can’t help but think that.

I’m trying to stay positive as we continue to try for a baby. It’s much more stressful than I imagined and consumes my thoughts. I wish I could turn that side of me off and just let it happen when it’s supposed to. However, I will say that in the last month or so I’ve been in a better headspace. I don’t know if it’s being more open about my struggles or just trying not to focus on it so much. Either way, how I felt when I started writing this post almost two months ago, compared to how I feel now is a big difference.

I hope that soon I’ll be writing a follow up to this post with good news. For now, I’m working on maintaining a positive mindset and just added a few fertility tricks to my daily routine. And hey, if they end up working, I’ll be sure to share.

Thanks for reading if you’re still here. If you’re going through something similar, I’d love to hear from you.

Xoxo,

Whit